I am excited but proceeding cautiously.

Life. It has a way of changing on you, unexpectedly. You can roll with the punches or hide in a corner.

To say my life has been changing lately is an understatement. Two months ago my wife left me and I found myself alone and wandering. A month later I reconnected with an old friend and I was on top of the world. She had even proposed to me. Sadly that didn’t work out and she ended up leaving as well.

Of course I blamed myself. What was wrong with me? Where was I screwing up so bad? I’m not sure if I’ll ever have an answer to these questions. Not that I need one….

You see. I roll with the punches.

Sure, I was feeling pretty depressed. Alone. Worthless. But I carried on. I have an amazing network of supportive friends whom I can fall back on for support. If you are reading this, you are probably one of them.

Thank you.

My life is changing again. For the better. I am looking up and the road ahead looks good. I am excited but proceeding cautiously. I can’t bare to have my heart broken again.

Thanks again everyone, for your love and support. I am so very blessed to have you all in my life.


Some Alone Time

I gripped the new toy, a glass dildo, in my hand. Any desire to have pleasure in my life was gone.

I had just gotten home from work.  Knowing I would be spending another evening alone, I made a stop on the way home.  I set down my things and ate the meal my house steward had made for me.  I bathed and slipped into a soft, sheer nightie.  The evening air was crisp. I sniffed the breeze as it squeezed through a partially open window.  Fall was approaching and its all too familiar scent was present.  I dimmed the lights and climbed onto my bed.  I had a small brown paper bag with me.  Inside was the toy I had purchased earlier.

I sat on the bed and looked out the window at the stars.  Somewhere out there was my wife.  She hadn’t been around for a while now.  She was caught up in a bad storm in eastern Hydalen but that had passed and she had come home.  I was over joyed when I saw her; collapsing onto the floor with joy and disbelief.  Alas she was exhausted from her trip so we had gone right to bed.  When I woke in the morning she was gone.  No note, no word, nothing.  I have no idea where she went, where she is or when I will see her again.  Heck, I don’t even know if I will see her again.  That evening, I wept.  Never before had I shed tears like I did that night.  The love of my life was gone.  The very reason I wake in the morning, the reason my heart beats, the reason I live.  Gone.

I looked down at the glass toy I now held in my hand.  Tears ran down my cheeks and peppered the comforter.  “Is this my future?” I thought to myself.  “Where do I go from here? How do I move forward?”  I left the toy on the bed, between my legs and lay on my back.  I looked up at the ceiling, both hands on my heart.  I blamed myself for her disappearance.  I must have done something to make her leave me.  The local authorities confirmed over and over, there was no evidence of struggle.  No reason to believe abduction was the cause.  She had left me on her own accord.  Maybe she had met someone better than me?  Maybe she had gotten in trouble with foreign law while caught up in the storm.  Maybe she was just tired or bored of life with me and needed a change.  Maybe she felt the spark was gone; instead of talking with me she took the easy road and just bailed.

I rolled over and screamed into my pillow.  I pounded the bed with my fists.  My emotions were deep and strong.  I was angry at everything, the gods, the local authorities, my wife and myself.  Everything I lived for was suddenly removed from my life and I had no say in the matter.  My fate was decided for me.  I would live alone, with out my wife Psyiah, and I would have to deal with it.

My friends supported me as I told them of my woes, Tauri, Auri, Kini, Gilly and others.  I cried on their shoulders while they held me.  My work suffered.  My productivity had dropped considerably and I was afraid the elders might catch on.  Some mornings I would arrive at the Astrolab and cry for hours before being able to do anything.  Evenings were just as lonely.  This evening was no exception.

I gripped the new toy, a glass dildo, in my hand.  Any desire to have pleasure in my life was gone.  Angrily, I threw it at the window.  The pane shattered of course, shards of glass rained down onto the floor.  I turned over and cried.  I know not what time I eventually fell asleep.  All I remember is laying there and thinking of all the wonderful memories we had together.  All the joyous times we had and how I would no longer experience them. Never. Ever. Again.