Dear Diary,
I feel an uneasiness in my heart… a sadness if you will. I try not to let it bug me, but I feel it looms over me. I am not wanting think about it, but it is everywhere I go, as it is inevitable.
I do not want this… but it has to be done.
I do not like this… but liking it makes no difference.
The days are short, and the time ticking down.
I don’t want to go…
-Psy
Dear Diary,
Gosh that sounds silly… hehe well anyway. I am just typing away, just letting me feeling bleed in this blog.
So where to begin…?
This weekend I found myself in a situation that I felt uncomfortable. I was asked to join in on a Trial. Now, you might be asking… “why are you not comfortable?” Well, under that pressure and with the initial complications I get intimidated… and easily overwhelmed. But… I can’t stop thinking about it. Not because how we almost got won it, but how I felt after. I felt defeated and as if I let down everyone, or was a burden…
You know that saying “stick and stones may break,my bones, but words will never hurt me”? Well that is a lie. Words can do so much more. In fact, words can uplift someone when they lack confidence. They can cheer up someone when they feel down or sad. They can make someone laugh with a joke or just be being silly. And they can feel loved, oh so loved as someone expresses their devotion to you.
That is the feeling I felt after. Loved. I was told by my wife and my friend that I can do it, that I did great, and it might not have meant a lot then, but the reality is that it does then and it still does now.
I ran as a tank in a dungeon last night and my wife told me two things: 1st- that she gets turned on me being in front, defending her and 2nd- that she proud of me pushing myself to endure challenges, pushing my limit and learning to slow down time and know what to do while under pressure. The confidence boost that gave me is incredible. I mean sure, I love making her excited, but the sheer fact that she wants to see me get better, be better, and do better warms my heart.
I have picked up books to learn white magic, to learn black magic, archery, Ninjitsu, Bushido, and many more. I was told I am a “jack of all trades, master on none”, but I disagree with that. I think I am a master at oe thing… supporting my wife and friends.
I love them very much and they have been a blessing in my life… putting up with my antics, my flurry of emotions, my fickleness, and my love for a lot jobs, hehe.
I am a very lucky girl to have this much support and love.
-Psyiah
I hold her, my heart healed, my soul once more whole.
These words were spoken to me by my wife yesterday evening as we stood before each other and renewed our vows.
Psy has always been good with words. Not me. I don’t have words to describe the love I have for my wife. Even yesterday, as we exchanged vows, I fumbled over my words, having a hard time saying what I was feeling.
I am not an easy kitten to be with, I know. I aggravate her with my stubbornness. I know she hates the way I forget to put the cap on the toothpaste tube. And I don’t always remember to tell her when I am going to be home late. But she still loves me. She never points out my flaws, she never draws attention to my mistakes. She just loves me for me. She accepts me for who I am and everything I am and loves all of it.
I tell her I don’t deserve her. Its cliche, I know, but there isn’t another way to say it. I feel so special because of her. I feel like she deserves someone who is a better lover and care taker. Someone who can be a better provider. I just, I guess I feel like I just wanna curl up in her arms and beg for her to never let me go. I need her in my life.
When I am home alone, my heart feels empty. I roam around the house bored and unable to find anything I want to do. I do a little dusting, I rearrange the furniture, I play solitaire triple triad…I mope about and feel “blah”. My heart like legit aches. I can’t seem to cure the pain, only Psyiah can. Only the sound of the front door closing and the sound of her voice as she calls to me, can heal that pain. I throw my arms around her and welcome her home with a big hug. I hold her, my heart healed, my soul once more whole.
I have a very technical mind, and its hard for me to put my emotions into words. Hell all I’ve done here is blabber and throw together random thoughts trying to piece together a way to let my wife know she is my entire world and without her, nothing matters.
Psyiah, if you’re reading this, please know that you are my one true love. I would give up anything for you. You really truly do make my world a better place.
It is amazing how one year passes by so quickly. So much has happened, so much is yet to come. Taking time to reflect on what has happened is important, to see how far one has come, how many adventures have passed and how much is yet to be explored.
When I first met Annimae, it was just be curiosity. She was a cute and flirtatious girl just eager to meet new people. I saw some of her pictures and just felt the need to comment on them. They stood out to me on her taking her time to pose, and get the picture just right. I felt a bit envious of her skill. So, I said something.
She then whispered me on a private message and it gave me butterflies. It was so odd, just some new girl I met, I didn’t really know anything about, yet… I was so nervous around her. She teased me, but I held back and denied her flirty advances. I blushed and just felt so flattered that she enjoyed… well me!
After sometime and some gray area not worth mentioning… I found myself unable to stop thinking about her. We kept talking and met up here and there. Although the meet ups where not really to talk, hehehe. Ugh… I am getting butterflies just thinking this! Hehe! So eventually I decided to move to her realm as I found myself lost and… frankly the attention was nice. She was sweet, but yet to helpful too. As soon I arrived, she helped get an apartment for me! I hung out at her place, and gods she was so beautiful. I could not keep my eyes off of her, but we ended the night just talking.
Days turned into weeks and I could not stop thinking about her. My days where lost… just day dreaming about my new friend. I finally ended up having her over at my apartment. And she snuggled with me. Oh gods.. It was so.. I was such a nervous wreck! Eventually she had to go, as some things prevented her from going forward, and I respected that. I didn’t want to cause issues that where brewing in the background.
Every day I thought about her, just fantasizing about her. She could not get out of my head. Eventually, our friendship took a new turn. I wanted her, but could not have her… until one day she came to me, brokenhearted and sad. I comforted her and placed her feelings above my own. I needed to be there for her, I needed to make sure she knew that I would always be her support.
From there, things moved forward and I proposed to her. It was a special night, and I was beyond nervous, I mean she had been my girlfriend for a while now and I wanted her to make sure she knew that I loved her so much, that I wanted to be bonded with her. She said yes, and that day was the happiest day of my life, and won’t ever forget it. December 9th.
Then, came the day I have been waiting for since I proposed to her… our wedding, January 20th. I married my best friend. I married my lover, I married someone who would always have my back, my best interest, my support, my love, my dedication, and a girl who just loves me for who I am, a silly playful kitten. My heart pounds just writing this, it pounds of the reminder of her love, of the feeling I felt at that alter.. saying those words I will never forget, never question, never hesitate to say again, and again…
I do.
I sit there, thinking how one year has passed since that day, and I can’t help by cry in joy. Cry how this wonderful life I have with her, is real. It is not fake, not some fling.. not some habit.. but oh so real… I love her, I love her so much beyond anything I can even write on here. My life with her has been a dream come true. True happiness that I can’t ever begin to express without crying and saying the words that I will never take for granted…
I love you Annimae Nalani.. now, forever, and always.
-Your wife
I found this flyer in the local tavern in Ul’dah, and I am very interested…
~Psyiah
The Nalanis 